You are probably wondering whether it’s actually possible to have a relationship without arguments or fights. I’ll reveal some ideas that will help you stop fighting and arguing in any relationship you have – whether it’s with your children, parents, siblings, intimate partner, or business colleagues. I’ll be focusing on intimate, healthy relationships, but it applies to any other relationship as well.

Many relationship therapists, counselors, and psychologists think that relationship arguments or fights are inevitable. As a peacemaker, I’m afraid I have to disagree with all of them. I don’t believe that relationship arguments or fights are unavoidable. I think that relationship arguments or fights are about not understanding the nature of emotions. In my observations of thousands of conflicts, I find that emotional invalidation is the most common cause of relationship arguments or fights. To have a relationship without arguments or fights simply requires a couple to stop emotional invalidation.

I have seen couples create relationships without arguments or fights by learning how to be emotionally competent with each other.

I know that’s a big claim, but I believe if you pay attention to this important relationship topic and practice the following skills, you will find higher relationship satisfaction and more productive ways to build relationships without arguments or fights.

Why Do Couples Fight Over Nothing?

John Gottman’s research shows that the number one thing that couples fight about is… nothing. That’s because most arguments are not about substance. Couples don’t fight about money. They don’t fight about anything. They fight about the fact that one or both of them do not feel validated and do not feel heard.

Gottman is right. Couples fight about nothing. In a moment, I’ll show you how to create a relationship without arguments or fights forever.

I can make this claim because my wife Aleya and I have a relationship without arguments or fights. We have zero relationship arguments or fights. Nothing. Zippo. Furthermore, the couples we’ve trained in these skills report that they have created relationships without arguments or fights. So I know this to be true.

Non-Fighting Couples Pay Attention to Feelings and are Present For Each Other

What matters is how non-fighting couples respond to negative emotions. It’s not about the substance of the fight; it’s not about the money. It’s about when one partner in a relationship has a negative emotion.

How does the other partner respond to accusations or emotionally invalidating, diminishing, judgmental statements? The response can be a relationship deal-breaker. Non-fighting couples don’t attack with emotions; they listen to emotions.

According to research, most couples are emotionally present for only about nine percent of the time.

So that means that ninety-one percent of the time, one or both of the partners in an intimate relationship are not available for each other emotionally. This pertains to both heterosexual couples and gay or lesbian couples in intimate relationships. The sexual orientation of the relationship makes no difference.

Emotional Invalidation Is The Relationship Deal Breaker

You were most likely emotionally invalidated as a child. Your parents diminished, criticized, judged, and scolded you when you were sad, angry, or hurt. You were taught that to be emotional was terrible, weak, irrational, soft, vulnerable, and exploitable. This early experience turns out to be the root cause of bad relationship habits.

Emotional invalidation starts at around 18 months of age. And it happens in every family. It’s why John Bradshaw claimed that 96% of all families are emotionally dysfunctional. Emotional invalidation is insidious and pervasive.

Bradshaw explained how people get cut off from this world and how children growing up in dysfunctional families are taught to inhibit the expression of emotion in three ways

• By not being responded to or mirrored -literally not being seen’
• By having no healthy models for naming and expressing emotion
• By being shamed or punished for expressing emotions”

Let’s look at this more carefully because once you understand emotional invalidation, you’ll begin to understand how to get higher relationship satisfaction.

Here is a list of typical statements. Take out a piece of paper and a pen or a pencil. Make a tick mark for each statement made to you and a checkmark for every statement you have made to someone else. Think about how these statements create toxic relationships.

• You’ve got it all wrong.
• But of course I respect you.
• But I do listen to you.
• That’s ridiculous.
• I was only kidding.
• That’s not the way things are.
• Deal with it.
• Give it a rest.
• You must be kidding.
• You can’t be serious.
• You’re just being difficult or dramatic.
• You’re in a bad mood.
• It’s nothing to get upset over.
• There’s no reason to get upset..
• You’re not being rational.
• You are way too sensitive.
• You’re overreacting.
• You are way too emotional.
• You are impossible to talk to.
• You’re making a big deal out of nothing.
• What’s the matter with you?
• Why can’t you just get over it?
• Don’t you think of anyone but yourself.
• What about my feelings?
• Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?
• This is getting really old.
• I’m sick and tired of hearing about it.
• Are you still upset over that? It happened a long time ago.

Has your partner ever made any of those statements to you? What does it feel like when that happens?

Most people say that being emotionally invalidated feels awful. It makes them angry. They feel diminished and disrespected. They don’t feel listened to or heard. It’s hurtful and breeds a toxic relationship.

So the question is: if we’ve experienced emotional invalidation all of our lives and we know it’s hurtful, painful and, makes us angry, why do we emotionally invalidate? And why do we do it in relationships that mean something to us?

We Tend to Deny Feelings to Soothe Anxiety

The answer is very simple: denying emotions soothes anxiety.

What does that mean?

Over many years of observation of conflicts, I have seen that people get anxious around solid emotions. Our society has not encouraged us to deal with our anxiety when someone is upset. As a consequence, our partner’s feelings trigger anxiety. We unconsciously try to stop those feelings by emotionally invalidating them.

There is a perverse logic that says, “If I can stop you from feeling emotional, then I won’t feel anxious.”

Emotional validation is a selfish form of self-soothing, yet it happens all the time in relationships.

The Adverse Childhood Experiences study shows that emotional abuse of this type is the cause of morbidity later in life, such as cancer, diabetes, all kinds of addictive disorders, anti-social behavior, depression, suicide, alcoholism, and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.

The study is a wake-up call about how we treat each other in our relationships. The conclusion of the study was:

“We found a strong graded relationship between the breadth of exposure to abuse or household dysfunction during childhood and multiple risk factors for several of the leading causes of death in adults.”

Fundamentally, we soothe our anxiety because we’ve never been taught anything different. Our parents did it to us because they had never been taught anything different. Their parents did it to them, and their parents did it to them. Emotional invalidation goes back hundreds of generations.

It’s incredibly abusive.

The Antidote To Emotional Invalidation

So what is the antidote? Science shows us that relationship satisfaction is directly related to emotional competency.  Emotional competency consists of three things: emotional self-awareness, emotional self-regulation and empathy, the ability to understand and reflect the emotions another person is experiencing.

Here’s the secret to creating a relationship without arguments or fights: Listen to your partner into existence.

Let’s start with a simple example. Imagine yourself planning to go out to dinner with your partner. Maybe it’s a special location, and you want to go to your favorite restaurant. You know precisely what you want to order. Have you ever had a conversation with your partner like this:

Create a Relationship Without Arguments or Fights Through a Three-Step Process

Step 1: Ignore the Words

Step number one is to ignore the words. It doesn’t matter what your partner says; you’re, not going to listen to the words. You’re going to ignore them. The moment you’re sensing any emotionality in your partner, especially negative emotionality, you’re going to ignore everything your partner says.

Step 2: Listen to Your Partner’s Emotions

Step number two: you’re going to listen to your partner’s emotions. Our brains are hardwired to understand the feelings of other people.

In fact, reading the emotions of others is effortless, fast, and easy. You’re, saying yourself. “Well gee, I hardly you know what my own emotions are. How can I read the emotions of other people?”

It’s because our culture, society, and childhood upbringing taught us that emotions are bad, weak, evil, and irrational. You have never allowed yourself to use this part of your brain. However, you can read emotions automatically.

You have to unlearn the habit of listening to the words and allow yourself to listen to the emotions. The simplest way to do this is to sit in silence and let the other person’s emotions flow into you. Your brain will figure it out and pop their feelings into your consciousness.

Step 3: Reflect Back Your Partner’s Emotions With A “You” Statement

Step three is to reflect on your partner’s emotions with a simple “you” statement.

You don’t want to go back to that old “active listening” stuff taught by Thomas Gordon back in the 1960s.  He was wrong, and all the people that have followed him since that time have never critically examined what he taught. They just copycatted what he did. If those “I” statements really worked, we’d be using them today, and I wouldn’t be writing this article.

Active listening is old knowledge. “I” statements don’t work for reflecting the emotions of another person. However, “I” statements are perfect for reflecting your own feelings, such as I’m angry, I’m frustrated, or I don’t feel heard.

Rewinding the Conversation to Create A Relationship Without Arguments or Fights

Let’s see how a conversation might go differently.

“Hey! Let’s, go out to Zula’s tonight.

“I don’t like Zula’s. Why do you always get to pick? I never get to pick.”

What is this fight all about? It’s not about going to Zula’s. It’s about not feeling heard, feeling hurt, maybe not feeling respected, maybe not feeling appreciated.

“Oh wow, you really feel disrespected and ignored.”

“Yeah. I do”

“You don’t feel appreciated that your opinion matters in our relationship.”

“Well, yeah! You’re right. Thanks for listening.”

“You’re welcome. Where would you like to go out to dinner?”

“Hey, let’s, go to Zula’s.”

Notice the shift response to that first negative feeling: we respond by reflecting on what we think our partner is feeling in the moment with a simple “you” statement, and we start getting happy feedback.

Let’s take a look at another way of doing this.

“Hey! Let’s, go out to Zula’s tonight.

“I don’t like Zula’s. Why do you always get to pick? I never get to pick.”

“Why are you being so emotional about this? You’re making a mountain out of the middle hill.”

We’re in a negative loop. Let’s do some de-escalation to create a relationship without arguments or fights.

“Oh, you’re upset and frustrated. You feel blamed! You’re sad because we’re fighting.”

“Uh yeah, thanks. Hey! We can go where, wherever you want.”

“Nah. Zula’s is fine.”

In the first version, neither partner was listened to. Neither felt appreciated and, most importantly, neither felt loved. That’s where relationship arguments or fights come from– every single one of them. So the secret to creating a relationship without arguments or fights is to ignore the words, listen to the emotions and reflect the feelings with a simple “you” statement. This is the secret to relationship satisfaction.

Here’s another example:

“See, you never listen to me. It’s always about what you want.”

“You’re angry and frustrated. You feel disrespected and unappreciated. You don’t feel heard.”

“Yeah, I do. Thanks.”

Learn How to Create Your Relationship Without Arguments or Fights Here

This practice takes some practice. The beauty of it is that you will see immediate results. You’ll begin to see how this flows into all aspects of your life. You’ll have the ability, for example, to be in any situation, social or business, and know exactly what to say, how to say it, and when to say it, without any question whatsoever. You will say everything you need to say with utter confidence. More importantly, people will thank you for what you had to say because you will have listened to them into existence.

This article has been reprinted with permission from Doug Noll’s website.